Time for some serious talk

I think I need to do some serious talk now. When I was very young I was told that I was adopted. I don’t remember being told I have just always known. To me it was never a big deal. People would say you don’t look anything like your parents and with a smile on my face I would respond with I know because I am adopted. They of course would follow with a ton of questions. What nationality are you (yay for darker complexion), how old were you, do you want to find your birth family…. that question gets me every time. I always respond with I would love to one day but deep down I am terrified to do it. I have asked my parents how they would feel about me doing this. My mother, behind tear filled eyes, tells me that she will support whatever decision I make. My father pretty much tells me the same thing but a lot calmer than my mother. (typical reaction in my family) I always explain that I am not wanting or trying to replace them. I just have this need or want to know more. To know where I came from. Who I look like. I have had this feeling like I am not whole until I find these things out. I have started the process a few times with the adoption agency I came from but one of two things happen. I either get to busy with family or I chicken out of doing it because I am to scared she won’t want to meet me. My biological mother was 16 when she had me, so she would be 47 now. At that age she already has another family more than likely. A husband, kids, house, job, maybe a dog or cat. I’m afraid she has never told her family about me much like she never told her older siblings that were off to college or in the military. I am afraid I will never get the answers I have been looking for but at the same time if I never try I will for sure never know. I need to do this on my own but at the same time I need someone to fall back on to when/if she wants nothing to do with or if she is never found. I also don’t like where I am in my life. I don’t want to meet her and her think wow my biological daughter amounted to nothing. I’m not upset with my biological mother for giving me up. She was only 16 when she gave birth to me. No 16 year old is ready for that kind of responsibility. Mainly want to tell her thank you. Thank you for not giving up on me and aborting me. Thank you for her wanting me to be put in a loving home where I was given everything I could ever want or need. I think this post was brought on by me watching a movie on Netflix today called “October Baby” about this girl who was adopted and found out as a young adult that she was. It just so happens that I was born in October as well like the girl in the movie. It made me think of my situation and watching this girl go through the emotional roller coaster and being basically rejected by her biological mother. I write this through tears because the movie hit me so hard. I think this next year is going to be the year that I take the steps I have been to afraid to take for the last 6 years. I will hopefully still have the man that I have now who will support me and by then I will have a job and started school. Hopefully she won’t see me as a failure, hopefully she will want to meet me.

Crocheting While I was Gone

Well in my absence I have worked on several pieces. Have made a scarf for myself, a scarf for a friend, finished a baby blanket and another baby hat. Also made an infinity scarf to try to sell. Currently working on a blanket for myself but need a lot more yarn. Plan on buying the yarn I need as I can. Well enough talking and on to the pictures 🙂

Baby blanket, booties, and hats for a friend of mine that just had her first baby.

Baby blanket, booties, and hats for a friend of mine that just had her first baby.

Corner to corner scarf for myself.

Corner to corner scarf for myself.

Broom stick lace infinity scarf I made for a close friend.

Broom stick lace infinity scarf I made for a close friend.

 

Infinity scarf I am going to try to sell.

Infinity scarf I am going to try to sell.

I also purchased a couple crochet stitch books from a local used book store. There were so many books I wanted but I resisted (for now). Hope you you have enjoyed my new projects.

 

 

Things change but life keeps moving on

Well it has been a while since I have been on here. Haven’t seemed to have found the time. Lots has changed too. I am no longer getting married and now trying to get back into the work force. Having to live with my now ex fiance till I find a job which has proven difficult on both of us. While we try to keep happy faces in front of the kids deep down I know we both want to kill each other. Still working on crochet. Have made some really pretty infinity scarves that I have made a little money off of. Wish I was able to sell enough to keep my family fed and a roof over our heads but in reality…. it isn’t going to happen (at least right now). I am also seeing someone, well kind of. I have known him for 5 years but he has lived states away from me. We have never seen each other face to face… EVER but I have such a strong attraction to him. I can honestly say for the first time in my life I am truly in love. He is 8 years younger than me and comes from a very different background than I do. He is Puerto Rican but has lived in the states since he was born. He makes me smile and has the cutest accent. Not to mention when he gets upset he starts to speak spanglish and it makes me laugh every time. He acts 10 times more mature and more of a man than my ex ever could think about acting. He is responsible, even with as young as he is. I do worry a bit about the age difference between us since I do have 2 kids and he is only 22. I worry about how he will do with 2 step sons at that young of an age but he plans on moving here as soon as I get my own place. He plans on building a life with me and my sons. He wants to marry me and have a child with me (before I get to old lol). I still have a lot to learn about him and look forward to learning all his quirks. I have never been more excited about spending my life with a man than I do right now. Despite my current living situation I am actually pretty happy. Actually a lot happier than I have been in a long time. My next post I will put up my most recent projects. Hope those who are reading are having a wonderful day! God bless!

The Sad and Lonely

As I fight to keep the depression at bay (or rather the by-polar) I find it hard and hard to do each day. Lots of things keep me up and moving. Lots of things keep me from falling deep into a state of misery. A new person to my life (a friend) has made it pretty easy it seems to stay out the dark side of my personality. Stress tries to make that dark surface from time to time but hopefully things here are going to start getting better soon so it won’t keep trying to surface.

Four years ago or more I went through a very hard time and fell into a pretty deep depression. I stopped caring about my health and my home. Dishes started to pile up and bugs entered my home. It was not a place for a child to be living. I started having my 10 year olds dad take him more and was very close to going to court and signing primary custody over to his dad (thankfully I didn’t). I don’t know what took me out of the funk now but it seemed to have happened over night and I got up one day and started cleaning. Got my house back to looking like a home and started taking care of my self (showering, brushing my teeth, brushing my hair, putting on make up etc etc etc) but not soon enough. Since the birth of my 2 year old my health seems to be declining. My teeth are basically rotting and my use to be beautiful straight hair is falling out at an extra ordinary rate. If only I had taken the time to at least brush my teeth I might be ok now. I don’t know if it was my lack of hygiene or the change in hormones in my body from my second son but either way it has gotten to the point that I am embarrassed to smile and try my hardest not to daily. I try to do one of those closed mouth side smiles as to not show my teeth. I find it some days when I want to go out of the house depressing as I get my self dressed. I have put on weight from the baby but have never lost it (as of yet), so nothing fits. I have 2 pairs of jeans and a handful of t-shirts that I can wear. I get sick of looking like I just rolled out of bed but at the time can’t afford a whole new wardrobe. Then I get to my hair and face. I thankfully have pretty nice skin but then I go to brush my teeth every day and the pain I go through is almost unbearable. My hair is very long right now and I have never been girly so I have no idea what to do with it so it goes up in a bun or something so I just don’t have to deal. A woman’s appearance typically is very important to her and when she doesn’t feel attractive then usually her attitude will reflect it. I try to put up this hard wall or hard exterior to try to hide my insecurities but I don’t think I am doing it well. My days are normally filled with an emotional roller coaster that I normally can not control. I dream of the day I can afford to get my teeth fixed. I know that day will change my life tremendously.

Home Owning…

Ok, so I love my home most days. Yeah it is old and yeah it needs a lot of work done to it just to up date it but I still like it. I love my split foyer and I love the brick. Although, there is also the bad that comes along with owning an older home that has NEVER been updated. Pretty sure our AC unit is as old as the house soooo last night it started getting pretty warm in here, come to find out the AC unit has gone out. Thankfully it happened late in the day when it had already started to cool off outside so the temps inside never got to bad. Today it is suppose to get up to 87, which outside isn’t that bad but it is going to make my house nice and toasty. Thankfully I do have a bunch of trees so it will keep the house shaded until late afternoon when the sun is behind my house where there is a little less shade. I have the 1 fan we own running right now to keep air circulating and hopefully keep it as cool as it can but I have a feeling it won’t help much later. That is all for now. I will post some pics later on that I took and am editing. It’s a cliche picture but I always wanted to do it and finally have a good camera to do it with. Ta-ta for now!!

Busy Saturday

So yesterday we started our day with cleaning and checking out a garage sale across the street. I sent the boys to go check it out and see what they could find while I had some much needed quiet time. They ended up coming home with a couple things, 1 of which I fell in love with. The lady had a beautiful old green trunk that she was getting rid of. She told them that she has had it since she was in college which was about 30 years ago. Immediately I thought omg what a great thing to put all my yarn in!! My 10 year old pipes up and says he thought i could use it for all my yarn. Love how my boys think of me and my yarn stash!! Image

The other things they came home with was a set of 3 canisters. I have had these 4 canisters that have sat on the back of my stove for I don’t know how long. Well they are starting to get pretty nasty on the outside and I have tried just about everything to get them clean. Plus, since they were cheap to begin with, the metal clamps to hold them shut are starting to rust. So they brought home 3 bigger ones home for me to put pasta and sugar and flour in. See, they thought of me again. 🙂

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I just love how blue they are and I love the wood lids to them.

 

After the excitement of my new canisters and yarn trunk we got ourselves ready to head to a good friend of mines, Dad’s 60th birthday. (hope you could follow that lol) We had such a  great time. The boys were running around playing with the other kids that were there. Most of them were girls since I am the only one out of our friends that had boys but they still had fun. Here are a few pictures from the day….

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The birthday boy blowing out his candles

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His family had gotten him a wheelchair and tied black balloons to it.

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My best friend and my 2 yr old. The sun got in the way of my camera but I tried to save the picture the best I could with photoshop

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Some peppers that were in a bowl that I took a picture of. They were so bright!

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One of the birthday boy’s friends brought this beautiful car to the party.

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The kids were playing all kinds of games the whole day and we were there for about 6 hours. I know my 2 were exhausted by the time we got home.

Just a few of the pictures taken from yesterday. We had such a blast and I hope we can get together again with every one soon.

It’s Friday!!

I think I have finally found all the crayons hidden around my house. Now I can start cleaning the crayon off the walls that my wonderful son decided to do. I kind of chuckle every time I walk down my hall because he was so proud of his beautiful art work and was so excited to show mommy what he had done. Last couple days have been pretty calm around here, at least for my house it has been. Elijah won two awards at his school. He got the PE award for always staying focused and behaving during PE. The second one was Most Improvement award for his class. I was so proud of my little man and was excited to be able to be at the school to see him get his awards. School was out for the summer on Wednesday so my days will probably be more chaotic than usual. The goal for this summer is to get the boys outside and hopefully helping me in the yard. I would like to get my front yard looking pretty and get rid of the weeds that have found themselves homes here and get some flowers planted that I won’t kill. My mailbox could use a little TLC as well. It was new when we moved into this house but it is bland (for a mailbox). It has this really nice wooden post and we put some black metal numbers on the post since we had no house numbers anywhere. Yesterday was a lazy day. I managed to get the bathroom cleaned and keep the kitchen clean (which for some reason is hard for us to do). Other than that Caleb and I just laid around watching movies all day. Today we don’t have much planned. Have a new internet/cable company coming to install services this after noon. Elijah is coming back from his dad’s house and I have to get over to the grocery store. I plan on working on some more crochet so I can post something that is actually finished on here. Currently I am trying to catch up on all my shows before I loose all of my recordings from switching cable companies lol. Hopefully Caleb doesn’t wake up before I can get them all watched. Hopefully I can get another post up later today that is a little more interesting.
Happy Friday!!!