Time for some serious talk

I think I need to do some serious talk now. When I was very young I was told that I was adopted. I don’t remember being told I have just always known. To me it was never a big deal. People would say you don’t look anything like your parents and with a smile on my face I would respond with I know because I am adopted. They of course would follow with a ton of questions. What nationality are you (yay for darker complexion), how old were you, do you want to find your birth family…. that question gets me every time. I always respond with I would love to one day but deep down I am terrified to do it. I have asked my parents how they would feel about me doing this. My mother, behind tear filled eyes, tells me that she will support whatever decision I make. My father pretty much tells me the same thing but a lot calmer than my mother. (typical reaction in my family) I always explain that I am not wanting or trying to replace them. I just have this need or want to know more. To know where I came from. Who I look like. I have had this feeling like I am not whole until I find these things out. I have started the process a few times with the adoption agency I came from but one of two things happen. I either get to busy with family or I chicken out of doing it because I am to scared she won’t want to meet me. My biological mother was 16 when she had me, so she would be 47 now. At that age she already has another family more than likely. A husband, kids, house, job, maybe a dog or cat. I’m afraid she has never told her family about me much like she never told her older siblings that were off to college or in the military. I am afraid I will never get the answers I have been looking for but at the same time if I never try I will for sure never know. I need to do this on my own but at the same time I need someone to fall back on to when/if she wants nothing to do with or if she is never found. I also don’t like where I am in my life. I don’t want to meet her and her think wow my biological daughter amounted to nothing. I’m not upset with my biological mother for giving me up. She was only 16 when she gave birth to me. No 16 year old is ready for that kind of responsibility. Mainly want to tell her thank you. Thank you for not giving up on me and aborting me. Thank you for her wanting me to be put in a loving home where I was given everything I could ever want or need. I think this post was brought on by me watching a movie on Netflix today called “October Baby” about this girl who was adopted and found out as a young adult that she was. It just so happens that I was born in October as well like the girl in the movie. It made me think of my situation and watching this girl go through the emotional roller coaster and being basically rejected by her biological mother. I write this through tears because the movie hit me so hard. I think this next year is going to be the year that I take the steps I have been to afraid to take for the last 6 years. I will hopefully still have the man that I have now who will support me and by then I will have a job and started school. Hopefully she won’t see me as a failure, hopefully she will want to meet me.

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