The Sad and Lonely

As I fight to keep the depression at bay (or rather the by-polar) I find it hard and hard to do each day. Lots of things keep me up and moving. Lots of things keep me from falling deep into a state of misery. A new person to my life (a friend) has made it pretty easy it seems to stay out the dark side of my personality. Stress tries to make that dark surface from time to time but hopefully things here are going to start getting better soon so it won’t keep trying to surface.

Four years ago or more I went through a very hard time and fell into a pretty deep depression. I stopped caring about my health and my home. Dishes started to pile up and bugs entered my home. It was not a place for a child to be living. I started having my 10 year olds dad take him more and was very close to going to court and signing primary custody over to his dad (thankfully I didn’t). I don’t know what took me out of the funk now but it seemed to have happened over night and I got up one day and started cleaning. Got my house back to looking like a home and started taking care of my self (showering, brushing my teeth, brushing my hair, putting on make up etc etc etc) but not soon enough. Since the birth of my 2 year old my health seems to be declining. My teeth are basically rotting and my use to be beautiful straight hair is falling out at an extra ordinary rate. If only I had taken the time to at least brush my teeth I might be ok now. I don’t know if it was my lack of hygiene or the change in hormones in my body from my second son but either way it has gotten to the point that I am embarrassed to smile and try my hardest not to daily. I try to do one of those closed mouth side smiles as to not show my teeth. I find it some days when I want to go out of the house depressing as I get my self dressed. I have put on weight from the baby but have never lost it (as of yet), so nothing fits. I have 2 pairs of jeans and a handful of t-shirts that I can wear. I get sick of looking like I just rolled out of bed but at the time can’t afford a whole new wardrobe. Then I get to my hair and face. I thankfully have pretty nice skin but then I go to brush my teeth every day and the pain I go through is almost unbearable. My hair is very long right now and I have never been girly so I have no idea what to do with it so it goes up in a bun or something so I just don’t have to deal. A woman’s appearance typically is very important to her and when she doesn’t feel attractive then usually her attitude will reflect it. I try to put up this hard wall or hard exterior to try to hide my insecurities but I don’t think I am doing it well. My days are normally filled with an emotional roller coaster that I normally can not control. I dream of the day I can afford to get my teeth fixed. I know that day will change my life tremendously.

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